Helen Daniels's blog

Today a 15 year old gay boy was buried in my hometown. He took his life, and his suicide note revealed that he couldn't face the bullies at school any more.

I feel sad as I'm writing this. And angry.

In the press, people are berating bullies and calling for schools to punish them more. However, this is not a solution. The bullies are not the problem.

People do not bully others because it makes them feel good. Bullies bully out of pain and suffering. They hurt too. We will not resolve the bullying issues by adding more pain, shame, and punishment to any person involved.

The second tip I have for new parents:

Children don't need to be punished. Ever.

Here's why:

When a child has done something 'wrong' (like broken something, hurt another person, acted dangerously) the real results of their action are sufficient to teach them about life.

Children don't enjoy upsetting or hurting someone else, especially their parents. When you are upset about their behaviour, they know that right away. They don't feel good.

If they've hurt another child, they will witness the pain they have caused when the other child cries. They won't feel good.

A friend visited me with her newborn baby girl last week and asked me: What are the key things you want every new parent to know?

As I listened to my responses, I thought: Hey, these would be great for the blog! And so here's 'part one' of my response...I'll add the others over the next few weeks. Please let me know what you think!

What I think every parent needs to know:

In my last post I appreciated my little girl. I actually find her extremely easy to appreciate, so I'm putting a conscious focus on generating appreciations of me these days. Since J is so bright, I sometimes forget to shine the light on myself.

I've been a parent for five years now. One of the things I most appreciate about myself as a parent is my ability to see the truth of any situation. Instead of letting my parenting be guided by rules and my personas, I focus on being present to 'what is'.

My daughter turned five this week. In celebration of her birthday, I've been generating even more appreciations of her than usual.

(sidenote: I've decided that this is one of the top five parenting techniques to cultivate. Appreciation = magic in relationships)

One of the qualities I most appreciate about J is her ability to make every situation into sunshine. No matter what is going on, she'll find a way to make it a game, or a positive place to be.

Today the sun is shining and I'm feeling sad.

I'm running a story in my head that I'm overwhelmed with life. New house, lots of friends, family, career....

Pause to read what I just wrote....As I read that list, I'm smiling to myself. I'm complaining about having a new house, lots of friends, family and a career?!! Really blessings abound.

I wonder what is really going on for me?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm letting my breath drop and slow.

My four year old has awoken the last five mornings wanting to be re-born. The game goes like this:

She hides under the bed sheets, and I pretend that I'm pregnant. And then pop! she surfaces with bright eyes and a big grin and I get to welcome her to the world.

I've been saying things like this:

I haven’t written lately because we’ve been moving house and I feel tired and sick. Sore body, coughing, tired eyes. Boxes and disorganization surround me.

I’ve been waiting to feel blissful and expanded to post on the blog… and waiting…and waiting.

And the truth is the waiting is prolonging my agony. I read a quote earlier today: “Hell is wanting to be somewhere else.” I concur. While I’m feeling sick and tired and wanting my experience to be different, I’m suffering.

I meet so many parents who claim in one sentence to love their children unconditionally and then, in the next sentence, place ‘conditions’ on their love. This is how it sounds: “I love my kid but… he needs to learn ‘mindfulness’” “she should eat better” “she should stay in school” “they have to improve their manners” “he should talk to me more.”

Can you REALLY love your children unconditionally and also want them to be different from how they are? I don’t think so.

Want a shortcut to enjoying a great relationship with your child and/or your partner? Here it is: When they get angry CELEBRATE their anger. Over the last few months I've been saying this to friends, family, and colleagues when they let me know that they're angry (grumpy, pissed, ticked off, irritated, cranky....). I say: I welcome your anger. You are totally entitled to feel angry. Go ahead. I support your feeling your anger fully. I've witnessed miracles. Headaches spontaneously disappear. People soften. They laugh. They cry. Children just move on easily.