Helen Daniels's blog

I haven’t written lately because we’ve been moving house and I feel tired and sick. Sore body, coughing, tired eyes. Boxes and disorganization surround me.

I’ve been waiting to feel blissful and expanded to post on the blog… and waiting…and waiting.

And the truth is the waiting is prolonging my agony. I read a quote earlier today: “Hell is wanting to be somewhere else.” I concur. While I’m feeling sick and tired and wanting my experience to be different, I’m suffering.

I meet so many parents who claim in one sentence to love their children unconditionally and then, in the next sentence, place ‘conditions’ on their love. This is how it sounds: “I love my kid but… he needs to learn ‘mindfulness’” “she should eat better” “she should stay in school” “they have to improve their manners” “he should talk to me more.”

Can you REALLY love your children unconditionally and also want them to be different from how they are? I don’t think so.

Want a shortcut to enjoying a great relationship with your child and/or your partner? Here it is: When they get angry CELEBRATE their anger. Over the last few months I've been saying this to friends, family, and colleagues when they let me know that they're angry (grumpy, pissed, ticked off, irritated, cranky....). I say: I welcome your anger. You are totally entitled to feel angry. Go ahead. I support your feeling your anger fully. I've witnessed miracles. Headaches spontaneously disappear. People soften. They laugh. They cry. Children just move on easily.

There is not one 'right' way...

In the last few weeks I wound myself up in a knot over 'being right'. I convinced myself that I was more enlightened about parenting than some other people. It was so evident to me how these parents were disrespecting their children -- how they were stifling the flow of feeling and wellbeing in their lives.

And guess who was really suffering.

I got so wound up about my 'rightness' that I created headaches, anxiety in my belly, and a severely grumpy attitude.

Here's a secret I've discovered that works so well for me that I've changed my life with it. "The best way to connect with another person is to breathe and move with them." Simple eh? Most people think that the way to connect with their spouse, loved one, partner is by sitting down and 'talking'. In my experience, talking is mostly an intellectual activity while breathing and moving provide an instant path to open-hearted connection. Since you might be like many parents of young children who aren't getting lots of time to talk, this could be your relationship saver!

Bullying in Schools

I was talking to a teacher last night who is dealing with two parents complaining about a 'bullying issue'. The children are both boys, aged six years old.

From the teacher's viewpoint one of the boys 'bugs' the other one occasionally. The boy who is getting 'bugged' is a happy giggly child 95% of the time.

Is there a problem? and if so, whose problem is it?

(right now it must be my problem since I'm writing about it!)

In the teacher's eyes, the parents are overreacting. In the parents' eyes, one child is a victim and the other is a villain.

The Best Advice a Parent Can Receive

Sometimes when people find out what I do (coach parents) they ask me for advice.  Here's what I tell them:

Throw out your parenting books.  Listen to your heart.  Be gentle with yourself, you're doing a great job.

That last one is key. 

Happy Me, Happy Family

I'm pretty busy these days.  Really, who isn't?  I'm grateful that I love about 90% of what I'm busy with... playing with my family, Board duties, Coaching, Training, preparing food, riding my bike, playing with my family, and the other 10% gets me to the 90% dressed and with the house livable.

And still, I sometimes find myself getting caught up in the idea that:  THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME. 

Peace Begins with Me

Tonight I noticed myself winding up -- getting more and more irritated with my four-year old daughter.  We were out at a restaurant that we chose because she has liked it in the past, only tonight she didn't like ANYTHING on the menu.  She was complaining, and up and down, up and down all over the restaurant, and I was NOT seeing any humour in the situation.

(Flag #1 -- loss of my sense of humour)

Stop talking!!

Here are my top ten reasons to stop explaining about behaviour to your young children:

1.    You could be having more fun tickling them
2.    They’ve already figured it out for themselves
3.    They’ve already moved on
4.    They already know what you’re going to say