"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Chemistry or Longevity - Do You Have To Choose
Is your new relationship already doomed? There’s a lot of press lately about brain chemistry and the likelihood that the sexual chemistry of ALL relationships fades fast. Do you believe it? Here’s some new research that aligns with our experience.
Bianca P. Acevedo, Ph.D.—who completed a study of love at Stony Brook University—along with co-researcher Arthur Aron, Ph.D., noted the distinction between romantic love and passionate love: “Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component”(the full report (available online at the American Psychological Association’s Web site). In other words, you don’t have to be crazy obsessed to enjoy a deeply satisfying relationship. Their study contradicts previous research, such as a 2005 study from the University of Pavia, suggesting that romantic love, measured by a brain chemical, lasts on average only a year. That’s the myth. But lots of people seem to expect romance and sexual chemistry to fade as a matter of course.
Here’s what we’ve found over our thirty-year romance and work with thousands of relationships. You can actually get more excited and more in love with your partner over time. The best way to rekindle romance is to say something true, something unarguable that comes from your experience. Here are some examples:
• I’m noticing some tension in my shoulders and jaw.
• I felt scared when I saw you talking to that new person at the party.
• I notice my breath deepening when I look at you.
You might wonder, how are these sentences sexy? Well, they’re lined up with actual experience, which opens the flow nozzle out of which all feelings flow, including sexual ones. Telling the truth also reawakens a sense of discovery, new places to explore together. I often have the experience of starting to tell Gay something that’s not clear to me. I discover what’s going on in the space of his presence. I find that delicious and think you will also.
There are other reliable ways to reignite the intimacy of your first attraction, and we talk about them in some detail in our books Conscious Loving and Lasting Love. But revealing is the one I come back to again and again.
What’s something you can reveal to a loved one today?
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