"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
An Important Don't
I rarely issue suggestions about what not to do. This problem, though, requires a strong DON’T. If you adopt this plan, you’ll eliminate a huge source of relationship conflict and liberate lots of free time. You might even increase your likeability quotient. If you are interested, read on.
DON’T speak for your partner (friend, colleague, child…), especially about something that already happened. This might sound like, “Well, you said,” or “I remember that you told me…” People have notoriously bad memories. In counseling sessions with thousands of couples, I have never seen people accurately speak for another. It just doesn’t happen. What does happen is a huge hassle over who said what that can NEVER BE RESOLVED. Why? Guess… Because it already happened!
The classic scenario unfolds when people are fighting about who’s right and who’s the victim (see my blog The Triangle if you need more information). When I ask people not to speak for their partner, to let each person speak for him/herself, there is usually a moment of dead silence while people wonder if I could possibly be serious. Some sputtering might spill out of mouths or flutter through gestures. Usually one or the other person will attempt to sneak in their version of what the other said, for example, saying, “Well, you’ve told me the same thing lots of times…” I’ll stop them again.
Eventually, someone will shift posture, take a breath, and say, “What do you think happened?” or some other question indicating curiosity. They will drop down into a level of authenticity where they share a genuine feeling or desire. They stop the push-pull of conflict and open up connection, intimacy and the possibility of creative solutions. What are you going to do instead of speaking for others?
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