"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Mirror, Mirror
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Humans have a terrible time sorting out in here from out there. This was best expressed by Yasutani Roshi in one of my favorite quotes: “The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there.”
Since we show up in different bodies, most people assume that each of our individual experiences is discrete and separate. Suppose you’re going along in your relationship, and a difference of opinion arises. For most people, the next move is to ponder the question, how much of this issue is about me, and how much is really, truly your fault. If one person feels angry, he or she looks to the partner for the cause of the anger. People say things like:
You made me mad.
You never listen to me.
Why do you always…
If you would just…
When relationship disharmony or even a teensy power struggle springs up, it just seems so obvious that your partner is actually doing something wrong. You’ve even had friends agree, so see, you must be right. If you ever considered letting go of your position it would threaten that exquisite adrenaline hit from being right. But the cost is very high: feeling isolated, victimized and seeing your partner as the enemy. Your health and creativity shrivel in the grip of this popular delusion.
Here’s something we REALLY, REALLY need to learn. The flow of relating actually occurs all the time between our brains, our energy systems, even our basic physiological rhythms. From the moment you come into the world until the moment you leave, you are connected to others. The shift that would make all the difference is also deucedly difficult for most people to even get their mouths around. But it’s the move that frees your evolution, so it’s worth practicing on a daily basis. Try this sentence on inside and out loud and notice what happens in your mind and body:
Hmmm, what does this have to do with me?
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