"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
The Power Of Transparency
The third commitment we explored in Conscious Loving has been my touchstone for many years. In the book it reads: I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself. Several years ago I started communicating this as: I commit to revealing rather than concealing. In a recent talk I gave in Hawaii I realized I didn’t want to set up a duality, so I invited everyone to commit to revealing, period.
Concealing is at the bottom of almost all relationships problems. You could be concealing something from yourself, your partner and/or the world. My specialty was concealing anger from myself, so that it erupted in spilled liquids, strange looks and coughs, and other intimacy sabotage moves with Gay. When I fully committed to revealing, I used a mantra with great success for many years. Here it is: Feeling lively and connected? If not, look for the withhold and express it. Even when I was convinced there was something real going on over there, my act of revealing what I was experiencing opened up more love and acceptance. I find such delight in being able to be absolutely real and transparent with Gay that I want everyone in the world to also experience this joy.
We discovered that when people conceal, they create a reliable sequence of reactions: Withhold→Withdraw→Project
Here’s how it works. You feel an emotion or experience a judgment, but don’t share it. That withhold creates distance, since it takes measurable physical energy to withhold. So you withdraw, and from that distance your partner looks different, less interesting or sexy.
I have seen thousands of right-now miracles occur when people reveal. Marriages have been healed, new directions have opened up, business partners have invented new and valuable products.
Imagine what revealing can create in your life.
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