"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Powerful Speaking in Your Relationship
I’m appreciating one practice I’ve learned from Gay that has produced enormous vitality and connection with others. He speaks in a way that takes responsibility for his choices and consciously avoids victim-speak. For example, he just doesn’t say, “have to…,” as in “I have to go to the dentist this morning.” Instead, he says, I’m choosing to go to the dentist now,” or, “I’m about to get in my car to go see the dentist.”
You may be thinking, jeesh, picky! My experience of shaping my words to match my experience as closely as possible and using my words as well as my actions to take healthy responsibility has streamlined not only my communications but my evolving personal power as well. Many people speak in a way that stakes out the victim position extravagantly, which doesn’t allow for shifts of perspective and demands that the other person either commiserate (“poor you”) or make their own rush for the victim position.
Here’s what we recommend. In any situation, claim responsibility for having created it the way it occurred. Wonder about how and why you might have wanted it to occur that way. Speak in empowered language rather than victim language. For example, “I take responsibility for eating so that I have a healthy body,” rather than, “Why did you buy that huge bucket of buttered popcorn? You know I can’t resist it.”) You can find other examples of speaking and acting in our Conscious Living and Loving Initiative, which you can find HERE.
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