Resolving Issues in Communication

We posted a poll on our Facebook fan page recently, and I appreciate all the responses and the nuances of issues that people presented. The largest percentage were concerned about communication conflict, followed by learning how to communicate effectively.

One question seemed to summarize both concerns: How do I take more responsibility (that is, what do I do) when they don’t hear what I’m saying?

One question to ask yourself is: has this issue come up three or more times? One event can’t predict a trend, but three can. The magic number three (or more) lets you know that the issue has something to do with you. That doesn’t mean it’s your FAULT. It means that you are doing something that is keeping the miscommunication going. There are several possibilities you might explore, which is actually taking responsibility, responding differently.

One is a filter problem. Humans learn early on in life to speak and listen through filters in order to stay safe and get enough attention to survive. You can have listening filters and speaking filters. Here are some common ones:

•    Listening to fix
•    Listening to be right
•    Listening for criticism
•    Listening to avoid being controlled
•    Speaking only from your head
•    Speaking from an I’m-the-victim-here filter
•    Speaking from a blame filer
•    Speaking from trying to fix (you, the other, the situation)

If you suspect you are operating from behind a filter, go ahead and name it as best you can. Remember that wonderful scene from The Wizard of Oz, where the just-unveiled Wizard yelps, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”? That’s how most of us react when someone points out a listening or speaking filter. The move that cultivates clear communication is to shift to curiosity and appreciation. When you notice that communication isn’t working, rather than trying to find out whose fault it is, get skilled at shifting to being sensitively aware of the living work of art that you and the other truly are. And get nimble at generating curiosity and wonder. Blame cannot coexist with curiosity. When you make a pleasant “hmmm” sound through an out breath and add a question, you move into the magic wonder zone where communication actually can occur effectively.  Here are some filter-freeing wonder questions:

•    Hmmm, I wonder how I can communicate with curiosity?
•    Hmmm, how can I speak free of this old filter?
•    Hmmm, I wonder what communication will completely resolve this issue?

What are some wonder questions that really work for you?