"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
The Sibs
Everybody in the self-help movement knows we inherit all kinds of filters and patterns from parents that we load onto our adult relationships. We talk about how to release those old programs in Conscious Loving and other of our relationship books. I’ve discovered a layer under the parental imprint that is in some ways even more powerful—the sibling patterns. In some ways a family is a tribe where members are competing for attention as well as food. The interlocks I created with my brothers were almost invisible to me until I got into my relationship with Gay. During the first years, I used to complain about Gay taking up all the space and not make room for me. I had a “duh, of course!” moment after asking one day how this complaint might be familiar. Almost immediately I saw my older brother’s face, He was called #1 all my parents’ life. I, being the second born, developed both a Me Too! persona and a super-responsible one. Me Too jockeyed for status and super-responsible for the attention that was available.
When you get curious about what you learned from your siblings that you are repeating in your adult relationships, a new world of possibility emerges. Imagine a world where you claim your full presence and are open to giving and receiving attention fully and easily. Imagine relationships where your unique essence gets celebrated just because you are, not because of what role you are playing. It’s possible to lovingly remove those old filters and emerge as the person you have always been, clear and open to choosing your actions freely.
Here are some wonder questions that surface possible sib layers:
• Where did I learn this way of relating?
• How is this famliar?
• Could I be putting any of my sibling’s faces on this person?
• Am I being competitive in this situation?
You can use these wonder questions to bring old patterns to the surface, where you can love them into your whole being, take the valuable lessons you learned forward and discard the nyah-nyah-nyah’s that have only a limited glee factor anyway. Let us know what you’re discovering.
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