The Triangle

      When you take 100% responsibility you stand and interact as a whole person who sees others as equals. You get to weave your creativity with others and co-create. When you don’t you get to play on The Triangle.

     How will you know if you’re in The Triangle? And what difference does it make?  Think of The Triangle as a game with three bases. Your ticket to the game gets issued when you add drama to a drift. For example, you and another person get into a disagreement about who didn’t keep the agreement. You enter The Triangle when you move from curiosity to being right. Then there are only three choices:

• The Villain, who blames: “You idiot! Don’t you remember what we agreed?!”

• The Victim, who whines: “You always pick on me—I’m doing the best I can!”

• The Hero: “That’s okay. I’ll drop my plans and go get the whatever it was.”

     The Hero gets righteous, the Victim collapses and feels the world is sitting on him/her, and the Hero over-reaches, over-gives and helps without being asked.  But it doesn’t stop there, oh no. Players circulate around the bases, sometimes having one foot on two bases, and all the dust and noise makes them think something is ACTUALLY HAPPENING. What’s happening is the hit of adrenaline, the momentary “ha!” that each player gets when they’ve staked out their position, and the need for more dust and noise when the adrenaline wears off.

     Take a breath. It gets worse. Without a commitment to take healthy responsibility, people escalate The Triangle until war breaks out. If not actual, the vicious nonverbal battles devolve into contempt and spiritual divorce.

     Is there a different option? Fortunately, yes, and double fortunately, the escape move is simple (not easy, simple). When you catch yourself in The Triangle, drop the words out and continue making the sounds of your role. You can even exaggerate them. The people with whom we’ve explored The Triangle in our seminars report being able to hold on to blaming, whining or rescuing for very long when they play with the roles. They actually start laughing and having fun pretty quickly. In contrast, I’ve seen people remain dug into The Triangle for decades until their relationships and lives drain away.

     If you simply start wondering which role you’re playing in an ongoing relationship conflict, you are already shifting the pattern. Creating a pleasant “hmmm,” followed by, “I wonder how I can step out of The Triangle?” will also accelerate your evolution. You can even have fun playing with your roles, exchanging them, wearing hats, using props. If that suggestion makes you sweat and tremble, that’s a good signal that play would smooth out the conflict and shift you back into being allies again.