Valuing Wife-dom

     I grew up in the 50’s and came of age in the 60’s, which provided a polarized experience of this strange thing called being a “wife.” Wives in the 50’s ruled their homes in a quiet way, wore hats and gloves in public and displayed impeccable manners, prepared dinner at the same time every evening, cleaned the house with apparent joy and fulfillment, and took care of family. Period.  Wives in the 60’s plummeted to the bottom of the value scale as experiments with sex, changing roles and independent careers zoomed to the top. I tried the 50’s style of wife-ing for about nine months in the late 60’s, infant and new husband in hand, coupons in my purse, toothbrush at the ready for those tough stains. I didn’t like it. Wife-ing in the Betty Crocker style took about 1/25 of my brain potential and numbed even that, leaving me despairing of ever having a fulfilled life. Come to really consider it, my mother didn’t like the wife job either, despite her declarations of domestic bliss. A talented artist who dabbled rather than leapt all her life, she unconsciously took her frustration out on those freer souls around her, especially me.

     I mention this background because for many years I have been operating, until this declaration, as a “closet wife.” Gay has often said, “You’re the perfect wife.” My not-good-enough listening filter at first heard that as close to a criticism. “Wife equals second-class citizen, sucking up resources whilst puttering around the house, leaving the important work to others.” The origin of the word “wife” is uncertain (of course), but seems to come from a word meaning “to wist, turn, wrap,” perhaps indicating a veiled person, a sight still quite common in many parts of the world. It’s clear from the history of women as property that only recently have wives and domestic partners begun to throw off the veil and define their own value. Because I think it is most deeply a question of valuing women’s presence, being and contribution to the whole, starting with each individual’s experience. It’s clear For decades I didn’t value being a wife. It held about the same zing as valuing my ability to walk, a big so what. Nobody proclaims the wife of the week, and wives don’t have a sparkling job description and an ascending pay scale. Even mothers get their own day, even if it’s a Hallmark occasion. So if you and I are waiting for value to be bestowed, wait on.

     So, let’s now and henceforth declare and experience the enormous value of choosing to wife. Here’s what I love about wifeing: I create a tone of harmony and vibrant beauty throughout our home, and I can feel in my body and enjoy when everything is humming. In the middle of that harmony and spacious order, creativity flourishes, including mine. I love tuning in to what is needed and finding the easiest way to restore harmony, finding these concrete completions so much more solid than the transformation processes which I’m often facilitating. I get nourished by creating wonderful lunches for us when I’m home (Gay takes charge of his other meals). I’ve defined what gives me value in home-making and have delegated what I really don’t want to spend time doing, such as cleaning. I balance my professional passions and actions with my home actions and creativity. For example, after a week teaching seminars in Boulder recently, I’ve given additional attention to our home and have attended to several things that were calling: “Fix me!” I love the increased flow of love and juiciness that my attentions and actions create between Gay and me. I love knowing what Gay wants and making sure those qualities flourish around him. Here’s the thing: I wife me too. I do THE SAME THING WITH ME, which is a newer behavior. Then I get to revel in my wife genius rather than giving it all to everybody else.

    I’m imagining some women saying, “Well, it’s easy for you, you have a successful husband.” (Somebody actually said this to me many years ago, and you should have seen my hackles rise). That’s just it. How do you define your worth, your contribution? Do you titrate your value by the number of atta girls? Do you harbor resentment because you haven’t consciously chosen to wife? Do you listen to the dynamic balance between your individual passions and your passion to relate and make sure you get included? One of the best-kept unquestioned secrets: without wives the country would collapse in less than a day. Wives: you are the source of your own esteem. Give yourself active, verbal, public acknowledge for what you do and what your presence contributes. You might even brag.