"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Why Manners Count and Niceness Doesn’t
I was coming out of the bank the other day as several people were coming in, and I paused to hold the door open for them before exiting. It felt totally natural (and actually fun to great each person), although I was raised to expect men to do this and to wait rather impatiently until they did. In that moment I realized “how things have changed.” I have personally witnessed the rise and semi-fall of the No Manners Rebellion in the sixties and seventies, the Me decade of the eighties, the Greed is Good decade of the nineties and the Hide Under a Rock and Moan first decade of this century. Here are some current conclusions I’ve reached about living together in society.
• Being nice doesn’t substitute for being real. Relationships that thrive are built on authenticity at all levels. People respect each other enough to be transparent. You can learn to speak in a way that stops arguments and creates connection.
• Manners teach us to tame our reptilian brains that want everything only for me right now or I’ll kill you. Embodied manners take appreciation to a new level where we share because this is one planet, after all, and we’ve gotta get along.
• Being “nice” often masks issues and feelings that erode genuine relating. Most of the stuff I learned not to do, like staring at people and saying what I really felt, I make my living doing today.
• It takes a moment to notice and can take years to repair what you don’t. The practice of presence opens up new interactions and places where you can give to others as you move through the world (like the animated conversation I had with a 4 year old about his new BIG bike in the grocery store the other day).
• At the heart of manners we recognize that life is precious, this moment is irreplaceable, and that each of us can see and value another.
How are you valuing others today?
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