Your Appreciation Portfolio

      When you invest in your close relationships by actively appreciating, your relationships grow in value over time, like a healthy bank account or a plant that you’ve continued to nurture. Most people think of appreciating as fluff, the extra dollop of snuggies after a hard day or the resolution of a fight. They don’t realize that appreciating is one of the best investments you can make in relationships you care about.

     Imagine having relationships where valuing, noticing skills, essence aspects, areas of growth, is the norm rather than the occasional treat. Imagine that when your mate or friend says, “Hey, I’ve been noticing…” you easily open your heart in anticipation of the appreciation about to waft your way rather than steeling for the criticism or complaint.

     There is good science behind the art of appreciating. John Gottman’s research confirms that thriving relationships (the kind you want, right?) run on at least a 5:1 ratio of appreciating to criticisms. Appreciating changes your brain chemistry, your stress levels, your overall wellbeing in a positive direction. And it’s easy to learn, even if you didn’t see many examples growing up.

     Appreciating has three aspects of worth. The first, giving your sensitive awareness to something or someone, refreshes your perspective and creates discovery rather than repetition. Focusing primarily on the positive builds on a solutions orientation and gives attention to the best things you want to grow. The facet of appreciating that gets less focus is the return on investment. Appreciations don’t just disappear down the daily drain of interactions. They gather and percolate in the good-feeling reservoirs that grow flourishing relationships and can be drawn on in times of stress and change.

    This investment angle can inform all kinds of relationships in your life. You can ask if you are willing to have your caring and practice of conscious loving grow the value of your close relationships? Before you buy something, ask, am I wiling to care for this over time?  Before you put something in your mouth you can take a moment to generate appreciation for all the interactions, work and skill that brought it to you. When you meet someone new, you can actively look for a quality that you appreciate and speak it. The gratitude habit gets built on the daily practice of specific appreciations.