NO!

Submitted by Helen Daniels on Wed, 05/06/2009 - 12:00am

NO!

No! What a great word. And so loaded for many parents.

I recently heard of a couple that doesn’t want to stifle their child's creativity, so they decided not to use the word 'no' with her. I'm skeptical. ‘No’ is a very useful word and I want my child to know how to use it with authority.

However, I also think many people do overuse the word with their children.

But really, 'no' is only a word and not really the entire issue. The bigger issue is the power struggles that people engage in their relationships.

When my daughter persists in doing something I don't want -- like wiping her hands on the tablecloth, throwing books around the house, or tormenting the dog -- even after I've clearly communicated that I don't like that, then I know that something else is going on. (She’s 3.5 years old by the way)

I always start by tuning in to me. Often I'm angry. And that is what has led to my power struggle. I take a few breaths and acknowledge that I feel angry. And that feeling angry is totally natural and is totally OK.

Then I get curious about what I want.

Usually what I want is to enjoy being with her.

If this is true, then I’ll turn to my favorite technique – henceforth named: The Tickle Technique.

Here’s how it works:
I pull her in to me and tickle her while repeating: “Hey! Stop doing that!" tickle tickle.

Of course she laughs, and I laugh and I tickle more and before long we've both forgotten what our power struggle was all about.

And what I've found is that when I say NO! (like when she's running into a busy street) she immediately hears me and stops. I imagine this is because she connects with my genuine fear versus my overridden anger and engaged power struggle.

And because I haven't wasted my NO! on unimportant things.
---------------
"If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Helen Daniels
Genius Coach (phone coaching available)
613.728.8433 (Eastern Standard Time)

http://www.helendaniels.com
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NO!

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