"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
That's Not Funny!
That’s Not Funny!
The more you can see things from another perspective, the more creativity you can access. If you can let go of a position, even a position that appears correct, right, and logical, the more genuine harmony you generate in your relationships. Unfortunately, that skill hasn’t been highly valued historically in close partnerships.
Instead, the sequence often goes like this. When my sincere attempts to be understood during a “discussion” failed early in my relationship with Gay, I got more serious and insistent. I’ve since noticed that other humans share this trait. The more Gay would tease and play, the more upset I would become, finally sputtering: “That’s not funny!” I couldn’t understand why that phrase produced even more guffawing and would retreat into a light sulk. Of course, fun possibilities ground to a halt. I would feel misunderstood, and Gay would go off to his office or on a walk, leaving me feeling both misunderstood and deserted, and it was naturally his fault because it’s not funny… I hope you can see how this merry-go-round operated and can relate it to your own earnestness.
Here’s the simple way to navigate the bumps of relationship: when humor goes, you’re stuck. When I am caught in the grip of a role (what we call a persona), I’ve put blinders on the infinite possible views of the situation. My Supercompetent or Tidy Cop certainly doesn’t see what’s so funny. If you or I can’t see that we’re requiring the very things that drive us crazy we keep accelerating the power struggle. Personas want to be right. No fun there.
So what to do when you’re caught in the humorless muck? The best thing I’ve found is to take what I’m doing further and do it more. Let the Supercompetent critique everything that’s idiotic in an operatic tone. Let the Tidy Cop put on white gloves and inspect for hidden dirt. Exaggeration loosens the grip of righteousness and opens the door to humor. When you can step outside the persona for even a moment you can start to see how hilarious our constructed roles are. When it comes down to it, there are two choices: be right or play. Now, I’d rather play (usually, unless it’s really not funny).
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