"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Get Close or Go Away--How Do You Know?
AddThis
Get Close or Go Away--How Do You Know?
And, what difference does that make? In the old days bellows were often used to stoke a fire and keep the embers glowing. Knowing when to focus on your individual creative path and when to focus on connection pumps the relationship bellows and ignites sparks even in a long-term relationship (really).
If you know when you really want to get close to another you bring your full presence to the moment. If you know when you want space for yourself you can communicate that easily and avoid the drama/distance pattern. Most people (still) grew up thinking that marriage or committed relationship equals giving up your freedom and that being close is THE only choice. Wrong. Marriage problems often come from repeating communication patterns that went unchallenged, such as loving someone means you’re together all the time. Healthy relationships and juicy marriages thrive on the renewal that a dynamic relationship dance brings to the party.
The relationship dance pumps the bellows for your relating by noticing, following and speaking about your actual experience. Since most people didn’t learn this at home or at school, in our seminars and relationship coaching trainings we guide people to use their body wisdom and inner experiences to make a reliable body map that let’s them know when they want to get close and want to get separate. Variation spices up daily relating, and the relationship dance can refresh you and your partnerships quickly and easily. Predictability, same ole same ole, gets replaced by sassy satisfaction and re-ignited passion. We each need time alone to refresh and time together to connect.
How do YOU know you want to get close or separate?
»
- Katie's blog
- Login or register to post comments
The Hendricks Institute • 1-800-688-0772 • 226 W. Ojai Ave. Suite 101, PMB 505 • Ojai, CA 93023
© 2010 The Hendricks Institute & The Foundation for Conscious Living. All rights reserved.
Comments
Boulder Seminar in October
Hi Katie,
My partner and I are very interested in this seminar in Boulder in October, but concerned about our current financial situation. Is there any of the seminar information available in media (book or CD, for example) that we might start using it until the time we can afford to attend a seminar?
Kind regards,
Richard
Relationship info
Hi, Richard,
Apologies about the lag time in responding--not used to comments on my blogs yet (!) All of our relationship books have skills and practices that can positively impact your relating. For immediate shifts, I highly recommend The Relationship Solution, which you can find at therelationshipsolution.com You can also find lots of videos and relationship tips on our facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/relationshipadvice
Thanks for inquiring and wishing you thriving relating,
Katie
Tuning In
I so appreciate you for bringing this up, Katie, because, as I ask myself which body signals tell me when to get close and when to get separate, I realize that this ONE practice (of noticing and following the signals) has changed my life possibly more than any other. When I was a child, I spent most of my time alone, and as an adult, have often felt awkward about making contact - especially with men. So, then when I would create a highly intimate bond, I was like a starving person eating every chocolate candy in the box - not knowing or caring when to stop. You can imagine, then, that as I began my marriage, I re-enacted that cycle of cut-off most of the time, interspersed with wildly intense together times that would end in tears!
As for your question - I have since learned that I often skipped over many impulses of when I wanted to reach out to my husband, or to people around me. So, I now make a practice of tuning in to how my body wants to move. If I seem to have a hard time connecting with those organic movements, I sometimes put on music, or start to sing a song that comes to mind. Then, I find my body re-engages in a natural sense of movement, and I don't feel starved for connection by the time I actually create it.
One of my favorite signals, recently, for when I want to get separate from my husband is to listen for songs that arise in my mind, spontaneously. For example, one time I had been having a great talk with my him, yet we had been talking for quite some time - maybe a few hours. At some point, a melody kept repeating in the back of my mind. When I recognized the tune, and breathed into that experience long enough to hear the words, I realized that the words of the song were actually ABOUT a woman getting separate from her partner! (It was called "Let Him Fly.")
So, for me, I'd say song, movement and breath are my main ways to get into a natural flow of intimacy and independence with my husband. But, even more essential to any of those would simply be the moment-to-moment habit of tuning in to notice what's happening inside me.
Lsitening to the inner song
Hi, Corinna,
I love hearing how you recognize your inner signals to connect and find space--extremely cool. Thanks for sharing the detail, adds to my inner world and possibilities for weaving an even more harmonious dance.
Yum.
Katie