Play Signals

Play Signals

   I was play-challenged coming into relationships—were you?  I took everything pretty seriously, including frown lines on Gay’s face (which of course meant I’d done something wrong) and the “work” of relating. When he would toss a verbal line or image my way I’d pretty much drop the ball or feel it whizzing by before my brain got there to respond.

     My rules about play basically consisted of work first, play if there’s time later. What rules about play did you learn? For example, play is for children only and you grow out of the need for it.  But here’s the thing. If you’re in a relationship that just seems like work all the time, what’s the point?  We can spot marriage problems and communication issues by the lack of play. Play reminds us of the joy of being together and just goofin’. I’m convinced now that play renews relating and creates more intimacy.

     Our feline Lucy taught me a lot about how and when to play (basically, whenever you want).  Chasing, pouncing, peek-a-boo and toss are not just human games—Lucy at 14 still loves a good round of chase.  She meows with a certain insistence when she wants to play, and she almost always wiggles a little or shivers her tail. She’ll initiate by dashing over the bed and then shuddering to a stop and looking over her shoulder. For years she’s had a habit we call the 11’es where she’ll tear around the house galloping for a few minutes at 11pm on the dot. Who knows what that’s about, but she loves it.

     I began to wonder, how do I play? Do I play (games and sports don’t really count). If you’re interested in adding more play to daily life, here’s a great place to start. Exaggerate. Take things further. Use different voices to say the usual things, like “Please pass the salt.” And notice your roles, your personas, like bossy pants or the loner. Exaggerate your patterns. Switch roles with your partner and try on their way of moving. Drop words out and communicate entirely with sound and movement through a whole dinner together. Our couples course is all about shifting from work to appreciation, play and creativity.

     Play keeps your brain young and those neurons developing new pathways. Marriage advice almost never says play more, but I’d like to prescribe that for anyone on the planet. Play keeps your relationship young and fun. Fun is good for kids of all ages. How do you like to play?