Appreciation Standoff

   Have you ever had this happen? You’ve been doing lots of stuff to enhance your relationship and out of the blue your partner says, “You just don’t appreciate me very much, do you? I certainly appreciate you more than you appreciate me!” “Wait a minute!” You say. “I just finished  (fill in the blank)--that doesn’t count?!” Then a heated exchange of who feels least appreciated ensues.       

   I can remember such impasses earlier in our relationship. At first, I was genuinely floored that Gay didn’t seem to recognize the many expressions of appreciation that I sent his direction every day.  And of course I felt aggrieved  to be SO misunderstood. Plus he really thought he appreciated me more—hah!  This just proves that practically anything can be turned into a power struggle, even “conscious loving” techniques.    

   After I took a few breaths and shifted into wondering, it occurred to me that something else was going on (duh, you’re probably thinking).  Pretty quickly I saw that we had tripped our Upper Limit circuit and had put the brakes on the flow of harmony. That part was easy. But why appreciation sabotage, and why for both of us?  After just a few moments of genuine curiosity, plus moving, which helps me think, I realized that I had not been giving myself the kind of appreciation that I then expected from Gay.  I also realized that I hadn’t been very articulate about the kind of appreciation I enjoy most.  Then I had the thought that all the great stuff I’d been doing hadn’t really been for US but to bolster my See How Hard I’m Working persona, a martyr specialty I learned from my mother. When I really considered it, I hadn’t customized my appreciation to what Gay really enjoys, couldn’t really even name that.       

   These aha’s led to an interview that we use ourselves and also in our relationship seminars,  By wondering about what actions give each of us the experience of being appreciated, we could choose effective appreciations—imagine! For example, I learned that Gay really loved verbal appreciations, and especially for some new form of creativity he’s thought up. I verbally appreciate his great wordsmithing ability regularly now. The Appreciation Interview gives each partner lots of information about  what matters to each of you. Here are some of the questions that we recommend:

A.    How do you most like to be appreciated:

1. Verbally, written or __________________________________________?
2. Alone with your partner, with friends, in public or __________________________________________?
3. With or without props (flowers, cards, orchestra)?

B.    What timing do you like best for appreciations? For example, do you like to receive appreciations regularly, be surprised by them, or  get a bunch at once?