Creating Thriving Relationships
Activity 1.0
The Co-Commitment Program:
Activitites for Transforming Your Relationship
From
Conscious Loving : The Journey to Co-Commitment
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D.
Introduction
Now that you have heard the words, let's play the music. The activities in the program are designed to give you the experiences that accompany the concepts in part 1 of this book. The activities are grouped to follow the seven steps in chapter 4. There are two additional sections designed specifically to develop communication skills and solve problems. We recommend that you do the activities in the order given. We have designed the sequence of activities in each section to allow you to stay balanced and grounded as you make your journey to conscious loving. You may want to skip around from section to section as you become interested in certain areas. Be sure, however, to include all the sections as you work through the program.
Some of the activities are short and focus on only one skill. Others are longer and contain several steps. You may want to take a few days to learn and integrate the lengthier activities. Remember that by choosing conscious loving you are setting in motion a powerful transformation in yourself. Respect its power, and be loving to yourself as your clearing process unfolds.
Along the way you will occasionally hit a snag. This is natural and you should expect it. Remember when you learned to ride a bike? Tipping over gave you important feedback about learning to ride smoothly.
When you hit snags you may not always be aware of it. You may find yourself thinking: "I give up," or, "This is ridiculous," or, "I think I'd rather just go back to sleep." All these are signs that you are on the verge of a breakthrough. Just before the transition to a higher level of consciousness, expect to get stuck; your ego has a vested interest in
maintaining the status quo. Your ego is used to a certain way of being, and when you threaten it by moving to a higher level, you shift its foundation. "Uh-oh," your ego says. "You're moving into unfamiliar territory. Let's do something to get back to where you've been comfortable." Your ego has many ways of tipping over your bike. Expect this, and get back on again after a fall. Be loving and respectful to yourself, and do not settle for less. Similarly, people often get stuck right after a big breakthrough. They are not used to experiencing all that new, positive energy, so they create a way to bring themselves down. Just notice these processes as they pass through you, and keep on working with the program. The activities in chapter 9 may be especially useful at these times.
It is not necessary to work continuously through the activities. Feel free to take a few days off now and then to integrate what you have learned. We recommend, however, that you pick up where you left off. We do not recommend that you pick your favorite activities and focus on them to the exclusion of others. Invariably, when people do that, they skip over the very activities they most need to do. For the best experience, commit yourself to all the activities in the program. Conscious loving is certainly worth fifteen or twenty minutes a day. Going through all the activities will likely change your life, but you may find equal value in continued use of the program. Many of our clients repeat the program once a year as a tune-up. No matter how many times you do the program, your experiences will be different, reflecting the current state of your development.
Because people learn in different ways, we have constructed the activities to fit various learning styles. Some activities involve writing, others involve verbal communication. Many of the activities involve physical movement, which is extremely important. To learn the skills of co-commitment, you absolutely must go beyond ideas and into the world of bodily experience. In addition, the physical activities help keep you
grounded. Ideas take you out into space; body-oriented activities bring you back down to earth. Both space and grounding are essential, and the activities are designed to enhance both dimensions in you.
We offer you these activities because they work: they move people. They can also be fun, and we urge you to play as well as work through them. Some of the activities are designed for you to experience by yourself. For others you may need a partner with whom to work and play. If you are not in a close love relationship right now, try to find a friend who wants to move toward co-commitment. No matter whether you do the activities alone or with a lover or friend, many crucial lessons await you.
What to Do If You Cannot Find a Partner
It is not essential to have a partner to clear up your co-dependency issues. Eventually you will have to go out into the real world and apply what you've learned, but you can handle all the groundwork on your own. In fact, sometimes it is easier to work out these issues by yourself than to do so while in a relationship.
Approximately half of the activities in the program can be done on your own. Of course, all of them can be done with a friend or a close love partner. If you are working through the program unassisted, you will find the following activities easy to do by yourself:
• Creating Commitment
• Getting Present
• The Healing Dialogue
• The Choice Map
• The Feeling Map
• Breath and Feeling
• Core Beliefs
• Goalswork
• Keeping Agreements
• Completing Feelings
• Completions List
There are several activities, the Healing Dialogue, for example, that can be taped so you can listen to them later, without having to reread each instruction. In addition, we advise you to keep a journal to record your explorations in the program.
If you or your partner is a novice explorer, we suggest you begin with the following activities to get more comfortably acclimated before diving further into the program:
• The Harmonizing Process
• The Healing Dialogue
• Understanding the Energy of Relationship
• Bare Bones Communication
• The Choice Map
• Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth
Now, one last word of advice. Enjoy!
The Co-Commitment Program:
Activities for Transforming Your Relationship
From
Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D.
Co-Commitment
The Harmonizing Process
The purpose of the Harmonizing Process is to help people in relationships establish a feeling of unity between them. The process is an easy-to-learn technique that couples (or any two people) can use in two ways. First, it is very useful when an argument is actively in progress. You can move from stuckness to unity, often very quickly, when you use the Harmonizing Process. Second, the process can be used to prevent much conflict by doing it as an everyday practice to build unity and a sense of shared purpose. All it takes is willingness. Are you willing?
Instructions
- Sit comfortably, face to face. First, pick who will be partner A and who will be partner B. Partner A, close your eyes and breathe slowly in and out to a 4-count. Breathe primarily in your abdomen. Breathe in, 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . out, 1 ... 2 . . . 3 ... 4, at a slow tempo. Continue to breathe in this way and relax your abdomen. Partner B, watch partner A's breathing and match it as closely as you can. Continue for two to three minutes.
Now, switch roles. Partner B, close your eyes, and breathe in and out to a 4-count, as described above. Partner A, watch partner B's breathing and match it as closely as you can. Continue for two to three minutes. - Partner A, slowly breathe in and out to a 4-count. Partner B, close your eyes and listen to the sound of partner A's breath. Match it by listening to it. Continue for two to three minutes.
Now, switch roles. Partner B, slowly breathe in and out to a 4-count. Partner A, close your eyes and match partner B's breath by listening to it. Continue for two to three minutes. - Now, each of you match the other's breathing by watching and listening to it. Slowly breathe in and out to a 4-count, and match each other's breathing by watching it and listening to it. Continue for two to three minutes.
- Continuing to match breathing, move your chairs side by side. When you are comfortable, each of you place your hand somewhere on the other's back. Close your eyes and match each other's breathing by feeling with your hand the rise and fall of the
breath. Continue for two to three minutes.
Now gently separate contact and relax for a little while, still sitting side by side. When you are ready, open your eyes and spend a few minutes discussing your experience.
Discussion
People who have used this process report exquisite experiences of coming to know each other more deeply. Barriers and misunderstandings seem to melt away. One woman told us: "I really could understand Evan's viewpoint in a whole new way. I almost felt for a moment that I was him." This process is well worth the time invested to make it a part of your daily life.
